[ shots of .stream. [ for jan 2007 ] ]

They're touted as "New York style" bagels, but why not call a spade "a spade" and say, "Jew style"?

ESPNews anchors are the guys aspire to SportsCenter but can't think of catchphrases.

The History Channel has a lot of commercials for The History Channel. If you're one of those people who fall for advertising, you can't start watching it; you would never be able to stop.

Why not use greenhouse gases to patch the hole in the ozone layer?

My camera doesn't put a digital timestamp on photographs; instead, I never cut my hair.

Because of packaging, you think metal, glass, &c. are really cheap, which makes you surprised when a car window costs $700 to replace. It's weird that you don't pay for things so much as the shapes in which they come, except for paint.

Why is depression is so much more common among our generation? Is it because the world is a more challenging place, or because people are pussies?

For our Chinese New Year feast, I want to serve a dish made out of each animal on the Chinese zodiac. What's stopping me is not the idea of serving rat meat to guests, but the availability of dragon meat and/or the legality of meat from two people in a dragon costume.

It seems that if you wanted to outlaw slavery emphatically, you wouldn't have a constitutional amendment about it, because that validates the idea that The Constitution, as was, permitted it.

When they make historical documentaries, they try to match the music to the footage. But there's no a priori reason why we have to do that-- it's not like the recording technology we have now existed back then. So why not make a World War I documentary with a lot of techno?

I heard a rumor about the people who run Snopes, but I don't know which web site to visit to see if it's true.

A peephole is an excellent place to use a laser pointer.

TGI Friday's has a lunch menu that boasts 210 possible options, but Americans don't really want that much choice, especially not the kind of Americans that go to TGI Friday's.

What I don't understand about the The View is why people would want to watch a show that features the opinions of laypeople. I don't need a TV to hear that.

They did, however, do a bang-up job of hiring people with a profound lack of credentials.

First of all, Roundball Rock should be Roundball Rap.

Doritos is having a contest where you make your own commercials and they'll show one during the Super Bowl. I bet most of the submissions will be really high.

Because of the '80s, I think torn clothing is hip, so I never throw any old clothes away. And even if it's not hip anymore, maybe someday it'll get hip again.

In countries like China and India, you can probably only get "It's a Boy!" cigars. The "It's a Girl" merchandise is of more of a consolatory nature.

I don't get the white guilt thing. Carrying debt when you don't have to is the dumbest thing ever (unless it's the kind that's subsidized or write-off-able).

And aren't there arguments you learn in economics for living beyond your means when you're right out of college? Economics is pretty white.

You can get traffic tickets erased from your driving record by going to traffic school as long as you don't get too many of them-- except that if there's hysteresis, you're not actually getting the them "erased."

Also, it's not clear how traffic school helps; I would imagine that most traffic tickets are given to people who are fully aware of what they're doing (e.g., speeding).

In principle, I have broadband so I can work at home, but in reality broadband keeps me from getting any work done at home.

I wonder to what extent Hideki Matusi's acne scars are related to his love of hardcore pornography.

Catholics, Christian fundamentalists, &c. have a lot of beliefs that most people in the mainstream would describe as flat-out wrong. But it's more sympathetic to call these "polite fictions." Now it's just a matter of figuring out exactly what is polite about them.

It's less cute when girls try to be cute; I like incidental cuteness better. Girls are way more cute when they're engrossed in what they're doing and don't realize that you're admiring their cuteness. Or maybe they do realize and are being coy, thereby breaking my theory.

Sometimes you get an e-mail from someone who's affiliated with a university you don't take that seriously and you're surprised that that school is in the .edu top-level domain.

The problem with eating in a donut shop is that there's very little stopping you from getting another one.

Organic ranchers claim to treat their animals humanely; for example, Niman Ranch's slogan is "Raised with care." But this doesn't seem like a selling point; if this animal has been coddled, it seems like kind of a waste for me to eat it. Perhaps it's more humane if the animal is maltreated so that slaughtering it becomes an act of compassion.

When people convert from one religion to another, it undermines any conviction they may have. "I'm taking my set of arbitrary beliefs and arbitrarily replacing them with another set of arbitrary beliefs."

It seems more common for someone without a religion to choose one than vice versa. People, in general, don't just become atheists. If you were raised an atheist, you have an excuse. Otherwise, falling out of religion is typically a gradual process, as though you're hoping that God won't notice.

The democratization of information has led to a breakdown of standards for considering something to be true. But what's less acknowledged is the breakdown of standards for considering something to be information.

People make fun of Asians for being good at math, but the truth is that it's not math at which Asians excel, but applied math.

I want to do a rap cover of the Grateful Dead album and call it Aoskomoskoa.

Volkswagen does promotions where you get a free guitar, bicycle, snowboard, pair of skis, &c. with the purchase of a car; they attract crunchy white customers who fancy themselves hip. Volvo should have an event where they give out cats.

It's kind of fucked up that sports journalists are eulogizing a horse. That's so white. It's like Chris Rock's observation that Snoopy dances his ass off at Peanuts parties whereas Franklin isn't even invited.

Sports team owners say in their defenses for fielding shitty teams, "It's a business." But most people who make that much money off people's unhappiness have the sense to stay out of the public eye. Furthermore, I don't know how fair "It's a business" is when you're operating part of a cartel (or, in the case of baseball, a government-issued monopoly).

Brian Sabean is the worst negotiator ever.
"Here is something that nobody else wants."
"Okay, I'll pay $15.8M for it."
And yet San Francisco will be loyal to Barry Bonds, as San Francisco's taste in baseball is as poor as its taste in music. The Giants are the house music of the MLB.

One idea that contributed to our destruction of the environment was the (incorrect) belief that Earth is too large for mankind to have a significant impact on it. To a large extent, the same thing is happening to intellectual property: eventually we are going to trademark/ copyright/ patent the entire phase space of possible ideas. It's like how the Yankees will eventually retire all numbers less than one hundred.

Science fiction writers portray futuristic worlds in which professional athletes wear fractional or (more than) three digit numbers because the traditional ones-- natural numbers less than 100-- have been retired. But why not use hexidecimal? That would stave off the problem for a little while and has the added benefit of requiring basketball referees to take off one shoe when calling a foul. Perhaps that will encourage them not to call as many of them.

Kobe Bryant was suspended a game for hitting Manu Ginobili in the face, but hitting Manu Ginobili should win you praise, not admonishment. Seriously, look at that guy.

Overrating something causes contrarians to underrated it and vice versa, so when you say something is over- (or under-) rated, really what you're saying is that it's rated at all.

We are willing to believe things that are not necessarily true if they make us feel better about ourselves. The problem is that we, as a society, know too much, so there's now a disconnect between truthfulness and usefulness.

Who's blacker, Isiah Thomas or Don Cheadle?

Middle-aged guys often leave their wives for younger, prettier women. But shouldn't they know better than to remarry? Like the first wife, the second wife will get less and less pretty in time. Or is the idea that the guy will be dead by then?

It's kind of a waste that women tend to like the types of guys-- fit and well hung-- who can fellate themselves. It's sort of like how women like guys who are married.

To emphasize that she's a woman, Joanie Laurer should go by "Va-Chyna," except that she doesn't so much have a vagina as a penis.

She once dated Joey Fatone, but would have been a better match for Lance Bass.

My friend is doing some where fitness program where he logs what he eats. Idon't do that; it would be too scary for me. Reading that list would induce a heart attack faster than the food itself.

For health reasons, I eat six meals a day, but they're normal-sized meals.

I eat a lot of raw food, but I don't get any New Age cred, because the raw foods I like most are meats.

It's not surprising that more people don't quit smoking; when the choice is between gaining weight and being unhealthy, Americans overwhelmingly choose the former, if not both.

Round beds are either for people who have lots of dirty sex, or none at all (i.e., babies), or pets.

In football games, they'll say, "third and inches." Technically, ten yards is a whole bunch of inches too, but this is sort of like scientific notation for the masses.

The NBA Draft Lottery actually encourages bad teams to be extra bad; if you're trying to get the top pick, you probably tank a few games, just to be sure. But it does briefly make basketball slightly more exciting for the second through fourteenth worst teams.

Instead of a regular season, the NBA should just have a full whole season of playoffs.

Presidential hopefuls' past drug use is scrutinzed by the media, but the media is backwards about it. I wouldn't necessarily want to elect a stoner, but, especially now that pretty much everyone's done something, I'd rather vote for someone who was open-minded in college rather than rigidly dogmatic and lame.

One liquid that doesn't work particularly well for deglazing pans is nacho cheese.

American cheese actually does taste like real cheese, specifically cheddar cheese that's gone bad.

The NBA has retarded contests during All-Star Weekend, e.g., "Skills Challenge" instead of what would be obvious draws like one-on-one. I guess that's sort of what a regular NBA game is.

The Barber twins look like squat, square-jawed (i.e., footbally) Vince Carters, maybe with a bit of Byron Allen thrown in. Also, I think Tiki Barber plucks his eyebrows.

You can hire them for motivational speaking engagements, but I wonder if you can hire both of them to talk in unison.

Nothing inspires me quite like a poster of Vince Lombardi and/or something he's said.

The children are our future, but only in the abstract. I don't see Haley Joel Osment and think, "Hey, that kid is my future!"

It's backwards that we spend the most money on the clothes we wear the least. You get a lot of funny looks when you wear a tuxedo to work. And here I thought I looked extra presentable.

Mentally challenged individuals by and large have bad haircuts (not just hairdos). It's as though barbers are on to them and give them shitty haircuts because they know the the 'tards can't tell the difference. Or perhaps the people paying for these haircuts are skimping. "You know, it's not like he's a catch anyway."

Americanized quasi-ethnic restaurants should prominently advertise their Americanizedness. We're jingoistic enough that this would come off as a good thing, and exactly the same people would and would not frequent them. That way I could stop going to them once.

Homemakers are given too much credit. They're not even licensed contractors.

People like to have favorites. Some favorites make sense; your favorite color may be the color of your car or walls. But having, e.g., a favorite food is less useful. In most states, you will almost never be in a situation in which you would have to choose one.

Maybe America would be a better place if we didn't teach people to love forming opinions.

White cheddar costs more than regular (yellow) cheddar, which makes little sense, because there's less stuff in it. Or maybe the dye costs significantly less per weight.

They list computer printers' cost per page, but when I print something and throw it away, I don't want to think about how much it cost.

A quibble for "Weird Al" Yankovic: being good at ping pong isn't white and nerdy; it's Chinese and nerdy. Also, the pocket protector is not intended to protect the pens; it's to protect the shirt.

Maybe Asian is the logical extreme of white and not vice versa.

Debit cards make balancing your checkbook more of a pain.

Tomatoes are the turkeys of the plant kingdom vis-à-vis Mitch Hedberg's not needing turkeys to emulate the other animals.

Perhaps in Japan they have "Rubik's Cube tomatoes."

A good Turing test would be whether an AI being can get addicted to crack cocaine.

Washing dishes is therapeutic, but so is the sound of the dishwasher running, so I'm torn.

Clos du Bois is the Banana Republic of wine. I have no idea what that means.

Some people take garlic pills, but that's defeats the point. The benefit to garlic is getting to eat garlic.

Nicole Richie and a dude from Good Charlotte are apparently doin' it, which is nice because they'll be able to understand each other, in that they're both people who have way more money than they deserve. On the other hand, their collective obnoxiousness is way more than additive.

I hope Al Gore wins the Democratic nomination for next year's presidental election. And I hope the Republican nomination is won my Al Gore doing his hilarious Trent Lott impression.

The problem with "This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put," is that "up" in this context isn't actually a preposition.

Some people think "A.D." stands for "after death," but that would imply that Jesus lived to be zero.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere, a young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra, hey hey.

I love you so much, can't count all the ways, I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine.

There are lots of other erogenous on a woman's body, but men tend to ignore them because they don't have crevices inside which we can put our penises.

The brain is supposed to be the biggest erogenous zone, but Americans are doing our best to fight that. Not only are we getting fatter and dumber, we're also trying to outlaw erogenousness. We have nothing if not resolve.

When I miss the funny Dennis Miller, I simulate the pre-9/11 version of him by using Wikipedia's "Random Article" feature while eating Laffy Taffy.

I saw a protester standing in the middle of the street this morning. It's bullshit that people think they can stop traffic just because they're wearing a fluorescent vest and holding a stop sign. If you bought your fluorescent vest and stop sign at a store, hitting you with a car should be worth ten points (subtracted from your driving record). Granted, he was only standing in the middle of the crosswalk, when the "walk" light was on, but still.

You might be able to make a case that cocaine use should be Bobby Brown's prerogative, but you'd have a tougher time trying to argue that about hitting Whitney Houston.

The mythical gyroball that Daisuke Matsuzaka is purported to throw is actually just a spitball slathered in delicious tzatziki sauce.

Sometimes pitchers tip their pitches; to what extent do pitchers read batters' tells to avoid throwing what they expect?

Picking your nose is more satisfying as an adult. But more satisfying than that is blowing your nose and dislodging something big and solid like a champagne cork.

The problem with cowboy boots is that you sound like you're wearing high heels.

It's a nice surprise when your credit card bill is less than you think it will be. It's like winning the lottery, but winning less than you spent on lottery tickets.

My (microwaveable) plastic food storage containers have a warning "CAUTION: CONTAINER MAY BE HOT" even though I bought them empty and at room temperature (in a supermarket, so probably slightly colder, actually). Perhaps my table could have a printed warning "CAUTION: HOT CONTAINTER MAY BE PLACED ON TOP OF THIS."

Gay guys have a lot of magazines targeted at them (in the butt).

Some people think, e.g., Eddie Murphy sold out; he stopped being funny so he could make more money. But maybe the causality is the reverse. If you've ever been to a country club or business school, you know that rich people aren't funny.

The cardboard cup insulator is handy in that it allows you to hold your beverage, but it slows the beverage's achievement of a comfortable sipping temperature. Or maybe I'm the only one who does not like consuming super hot liquids. And it only gets worse; because I'm always apprehensive about the first sip of of coffee, I'll never inure myself to it.

One stock "sexy" pose is when a girl raises her eyebrows and purses her lips into a blowing shape, as though she herself is stunned by how hot she is and/or was sucker punched. You see this primarily on models of Hispanic descent. It's like a sombrero. Who knew that a facial expression could be race-specific?

This company Emma is trying to bring the power of e-mail marketing (i.e., spam) to the masses. This should not be encouraged. Also, they claim to do "e-mail marketing in style," but e-mail marketing isn't stylish. Even if The Neptunes programmed your car alarm, it's still obnoxious when it goes off at 3a for no reason.

Their web site has staff biographies; there's a random totally cute girl in Tennessee who I will never meet. The Internet can make a stalker out of anyone.

A hot shower in the morning is refreshing, but if you're too tired, it feels like you can't quite get the temperature right.

I-380 is a glorified on-ramp.

Any musical passage, sample, &c. can be made into a catchy vamp. It doesn't matter if it sounds ridiculous, as long as it's repeated over and over. That's the premise behind techno and Sweet Child O' Mine.

It's arbitrary that watered-down coffee, juice, beer, &c. taste so gross; there's no a priori reason that they should be at the strength at which they are traditionally found.

You can buy a car for pennies on the dollar simply by going to a mechanic and saying, "I'm here to pick up my car." Plus, the car works.

I can even convince myself to feel productive when I procrastinate with the rationalization that if I don't do this now, I'll do this to procrastinate later.

Women overestimate the importance of hair. It just has to be not horrible. Never in my life have I heard a dude say he was attracted to a girl because of her "amazing hair." If women really wanted to attract men, they'd spend less time on their hair and more time jogging.

One advantage to marrying someone your own age is that you don't have to attend a huge bunch of weddings more than once.

I reheat leftovers over the stove, not because I have anything against the microwave oven, but as an excuse to add more oil.

You can add yourself to your Buddy List in AOL Instant Messenger. Also nerdy fun is going into split-screen mode in emacs and watching yourself type in both windows.

When you say, "-ing is fun," is "fun" in that context a noun or an adjective?

You don't really appreciate how little you make in graduate school because it's a lot easier to be poor when you know it's temporary.

The reason so many people Asian people run laundromats is so you can't tell that they're smoking pot.

When I shred cheese, I throw the last nub in, so that someone gets a pleasant surprise. I hope it's the lactose intolerant guy.

The main benefit to cooking is not the economy or even the quality of the food, but the feeling that you actually know how to take care of yourself.

Nearby there's a traffic sign that says "NO TURN ON RED" with, under the "RED", a red circle. But if someone can't understand "RED," (s)he's probably not going to understand "NO TURN ON" either.

Some restaurants and cafés put tip jars on their counters, but how do they expect me to tip when I don't yet know what kind of service I'm going to get?

There's a lot you don't know about me, fucker.

The combination of shellfish and cheese is underrated and underexplored. I blame the Jews. Actually, cheese on shellfish probably isn't any less kosher than just the shellfish, unless you're using squid milk.

Now I have some legitimate questions about kosher laws-- does anyone have any Jews around? E.g., is it kosher to lick whipped cream off of someone, i.e., does cock count as "meat"?

Sometimes I take streets for granted. They're quite useful. Without them, driving would be much less safe. And gasoline taxes would be way higher because they'd have to pave everywhere.

My work has us wear devices to measure our radiation exposure; we got an e-mail asking us to please stop taking these on airplanes, because that has caused a spate high readings. But assuming that the high readings are due to error defeats the point. It's kind of the opposite of when my car's "check engine" light came on, and the mechanic found the malfunction in the gauge that causes the "check engine" light to come on.

The best thing about homemade pasta is cutting the whole thing into one really long spiral-shaped noodle.

Dane Cook's name is "Dane" so you already know he's going to be a douchebag.

Urinals save water not because they use less of it, but because for some reason men have an aversion to flushing them.

There's a product that allows women to pee standing up which is totally stupid; women's restrooms don't have urinals!

It wasn't until adulthood that I realized permanent markers could be so useful in a non-graffiti capacity.

I can't say I'm a fan of the practice of capitalizing things in attempt to dignify them (e.g. "Good Thing"). English already has a problem with excessive capitalization.

My pessimism isn't doing me any good.

Richard Lederer wins in terms of nerdiness divided by mathiness.

The word "cruciverbalist" is pretentious and borderline retarded. English etymology is not retroactive to Latin.

The point of college admissions is not to admit the best and/or brightest; it's to admit the students who have the greatest probability of rewarding the university with fame and/or wealth. That's why colleges admit, e.g., top mathematics prospects; they don't make a lot of money, but sometimes they become really famous. "Our students are so smart, they're insane."

Jason Kidd has accused his wife Joumana of abuse; her lawyer responded that it's ridiculous that he could "fear" her given the disparity in their sizes. But first of all, when you're talking about abuse, that's not really the point. And second of all, that's so hot.

Also, if you are super rich and you have a trophy wife, you probably extra fear her, because if you fuck up, she takes half. Or maybe that's why he accused her of abuse, to get out of giving her half.

Jason Kidd is the previous Doug Christie.

I wonder what is the feminist stance on divorce settlements, alimony, &c. While on principle they should be against them, I'd guess that they're for them. But that's based not on knowledge of any sort so much as the assumption that feminists are unreasonable.

When a guy lavishes compliments on your girlfriend, it's creepy because, dude, she's taken. Unless it's a homeless guy; then it's annoying, because you have to give him money.

It's not fair to criticize Maria Sharapova's skimpy outfits. She wears the same outfits as everyone else; it turns out that she's 6'2".

Some DVDs come with special features. There's something mindblowingly meta about the deleted scenes from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

"Meta" used as a word (cf. a prefix) is itself meta.

At this point, San José is all of California that's neither San Francisco or Los Angeles.

People talk about portmanteaux of words, but what about portmanteaux of numbers? For example, the number 734 is a portmanteau of 730½ and 6584.

I once heard a girl call a miniature bottle of catsup "cute," but she didn't feel the same way about fast food catsup packets.

I went to a Mitch Hedberg tribute show; there was a slide that said something to the effect of "Your life could be short, so live it to the fullest." But isn't living life to the fullest what caused his life to be short?

Can you make schnapps out of non-food products, e.g., cardboard?

My friend's getting married, but calling her his "wife" is too adult for my taste. So after the wedding, I'm going to call her his "ex-girlfriend."

I wonder if Kevin Bacon has a Friendster account.

Do you have to use your turn signal if you're in a turn-only lane? I'm all about communicating one's intentions to other drivers, but I'm also for the conservation of information.

One benefit to being Asian is you can explain your being too lazy and/or cheap to buy a bed as an æsthetic preference.

I saw a car with a "UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX ALUMNUS" license plate, which I found odd. I appreciate that they're trying to make their students feel like they go to a real school, but about what, exactly, are you bragging there? "I totally signed up and paid."

I was in a Chinese supermarket and the Ricolas were in the candy aisle; they did not realize that they're supposed to be medicinal. But I thought Chinese people are all into herbal shit-- maybe it's that they're only into smelly herbal shit.

I always prioritize personal things ahead of work things, because work's always going to be there, even if you spend a lot of time on it. It's a gas, not in the sense that it's fun, but in the sense that it will expand to fill completely whatever space you allow it.

Sufjan Stevens is doing his whole fifty states thing just so people will overlook that he's ethnically terrorist.

Part of why driving makes people antagonistic is that the only communication you have with other drivers-- the car horn-- sounds aggressive and unpleasant; people get pissed because they think others are pissed at them, and the problem only compounds. It's like being German.

The argument for minority self-loathing is something like this: people assume that you fit stereotypes; of course, this ignorance is other people's fault, but it's easier to blame the minority because there are, by definition, fewer of them. For the same reason, it'd be more effective to direct your energy there if were going to do something about it, but you aren't (except make comedy movies).

Think of it this way-- if you're Armenian-American, you probably get annoyed when people assume that you're in System of a Down; it's easy to transfer that ill will to System of a Down. Unless you're of the 80% of Armenian-Americans who are in System of a Down (i.e., Sufjan Stevens).

If you were in a six-inch tall cover band, would you play songs at their usual tempo, or would you play them really fast so that, when slowed down, they sound normal?

I don't understand the impetus for kidnapping; I thought the natural human impulse was to loathe children except for your own.

I always wonder about how the logistics of something like a ban from Shea Stadium work.

I also don't see why impersonating a reporter should be considered a criminal act. The press doesn't have any sanctity to protect. What they themselves do is way more damaging to the profession-- you might argue that they're the ones impersonating reporters.

Krystal Steal has built her career as a porno actress on her looking like Christina Aguilera. You'd think Christina Aguilera would be mad about this, but no, she went out and got a boob job so they'd look even more alike.

They say that the first thing that comes with a Ph.D. is a loss of respect for the degree. But that actually comes earlier when you realize the number of idiots to whom schools are willing to give Ph.D.s. What comes with a Ph.D. of your own is the freedom to be open about your lack of respect for it.

I don't know why the news makes such a big deal out of the State of the Union address; because the guy who gives it is not known for telling the truth, it really isn't much more than just some guy saying stuff.

The first person ever to commit an act of plagiarism was being original.

A study reports that lost worker productivity due to the Super Bowl-- due to paid time spent on football-related activities-- could cost companies $820 million a week. I wonder if this lost productivity estimate includes time spent studying and/or reading about how much lost productivity is caused by the Super Bowl.

Studies like this are disingenuous; they assume that, in the absence of a Super Bowl, people would not find other ways to waste time, and dismisses the effects of these cultural institutions on employee morale. I don't think people would maintain a consistently higher level of productivity if we didn't have these huge time wastes to punctuate our lives.

It's remarkable how many food traditions evolved from techniques meant to deal with technical limitations, but persisted after, due to technological advances, they were no longer needed, e.g., pickles, sausage, preserves, cheese, beer. Because it's not as though, e.g., film cameras and vacuum tube amplifiers are still highly sough-- oh, right. Maybe we as a people are less into the idea of progress than we affect.

Crazy Itch Radio is Basement Jaxx's Bunkka.

Is it possible to make an indoor Slip 'N Slide out of Teflon? Or perhaps you could make an energy-saving air hockey table.

Smoking is supposed to make you look cool, but some smokers don't get laid that much. It's like being a fat drug addict and that drug is not marijuana.

Part of being, e.g., a music snob is refusing to take recommendations from people.

Isn't it ironic? No, it's just kind of dumb. But then again irony is kind of dumb. So maybe it is ironic by syllogism or metonymy or something.

Kylie Minogue is made out of lip gloss.

The Come Into My World video makes me want to buy polo shirts for my girlfriend.

In every apartment-- not just the White House-- should be hung oil portraits of all of the previous tenants.

If you're dressing up as twinsies with someone way fatter than you, and you've chosen vertical stripes, is it more important to respect the width of the stripes or the number of stripes?

Some food products come packaged in non-integer number of servings which sucks because somebody is going to be really unhappy.

I get annoyed when I want to turn right, but the guy in front of me is stopped at a red becase he's going straight. "What? Nobody goes straight here!"

Just because I don't take my job seriously doesn't mean that other people shouldn't.

I hate when an ex-girlfriend moves out of the country, because then I can't drunk-dial her for free.

If I were hopelessly addicted to a drug, I'd hope that it's a relatively inexpensive one, so that I don't have to suck as much cock for it. Because no matter how much you enjoy doing something, it's not fun when it's your job.

One reason people become more traditional and conformist as they get older is that it's easier than explaining your idiosyncracies to your children.

E-mailing me is a privilege, not a right. If you send a lot of useless e-mails, you're blacklisted. If one day, you have something important to say, too bad.

Along with a UNIX account, they should give you a dummy account so you can check that your AFS, NFS, &c. file permissions are set correctly.

Apparently some gas stations are offering "non-terrorist gas," but isn't encouraging terrorism part and parcel with supporting our national identity and foreign policy?

It's not the high price of gasoline per se that bothers me, but the fact both termini of my 35-mile commute and the only gas stations along the route are in places with the highest gas prices in the region. My gas tank is not big enough for it to be worth going out of my way to save a few cents a gallon.

Chris Rock claims that books are kryptonite to niggers; maybe niggers are kryptonite to black people.

I wasn't paying attention to the lyrics, so here I thought Beyoncé was telling me to move my ass to the left, like a dance or something.

When you're sick, medicines can make you feel better, but not as good as you'd feel if you weren't sick. But the weird thing is that some medicines make you feel worse if you take them when you're not sick.

I like sports, but I don't understand people who live and die by their team. Of course it's more exciting to watch a game when you have an emotional interest in one of the teams, so I do have my teams (though usually I end up picking the team opposite the guys I don't like-- which, because there are not that many Manning brothers, ultimately means I have a greater probability of not being disappointed), but after the game is over, it doesn't really matter that much, because every year there's a new season. Except if you're a 49ers fan.

I feel quite analogously about politics, actually.

Maybe it's good that the Colts are going to the Super Bowl, because it's like getting that Sunday off. Not only that, I've been more productive at work, because I'm not surfing sports web sites, because I don't want to read about it.

Sometimes something good happens to you and you want to celebrate it, but, for some reason, you can't tell people about it. Do you think people would come to a "I'm Not at Liberty To Divulge What We're Celebrating" party? That's probably more appealing than an "I Did My Wife's Hot Seventeen-Year-Old Sister in the Butt in Florida" party.

It seems easier to get out of a speeding ticket than a parking ticket, which is kind of backwards.

I had a band in junior high; what kept us from being good was our abject lack of talent and/or that punk rock hadn't gotten popular again yet.

Sportswriters often cite Kobe Bryant's SAT score (1080) as proof of his intelligence. But 1000 is, by design average, so 1080 isn't particularly impressive. Furthermore, the average has crept up significantly from 1000. Futhermore, Kobe Bryant grew up in Italy, so he should have had a better education than most American kids. So all the 1080 really says is that his scholastic aptitude is higher than Muhammad Ali's. Perhaps they will start saying that Kobe Bryant is "so well-spoken."

I hope, in the Super Bowl, Brian Urlacher mauls Peyton Manning in a totally literal sense.

Women will pay a lot of money to get a facial at a spa, but for a facial from me, I have to pay them.

Professional athletes aren't supposed to take steroids, but they can still use them to gain a competitive advantage by, e.g., giving them to NFL practice squads or guys who throw batting practice.

It's probably not great for the American zeitgeist that eating foreign delicacies counted as "stunts" on Fear Factor.

I don't think Cam'ron has a résumé to check.

Sky Mall and the in-flight magazine are complimentary, but really, I wanted to take the brochure describing the safety features of the aircraft.

When I'm drawing on people's faces in a catalogue or magazine, I like photographs of exactly four people. The next person who sits in this seat is totally going to think KISS signed a deal to appear in Sky Mall.

The FAA should spend more time on more relevant issues, like creating guidelines for the usage of shared armrests.

For some reason I find delightful the image of a guy with a Hitler moustache eating out a girl with a landing strip.

Also awesome would be if Hitler had a landing strip too.

Was Dave Abbruzzese ever inducted into the Soul Patch Hall of Fame?

I have an idea for an electronic device that's smaller than an iPod Shuffle. It doesn't actually do anything, but, damn is it portable.

People complain that, due to the media, societal notions of physical beauty (in women) are unreasonably narrow and unobtainable. But is that necessarily a bad thing? I don't need to be aroused every time I go to the bank or supermarket.

What the hell does Geico mean when they say they've "eliminated the middleman"? Most insurance companies don't go through middlemen anymore. It's not like insurance is manufactured in China.

Now that Peyton Manning is going to (and favored to win) the Super Bowl, if you're hosting a Super Bowl party, at it, you should rent a movie and show it instead.

"New Year" is Chinese for "Presidents' Day."

You should get points, in football, for injuries to the other team's players, scaling with their severity. Or, at least, they should list the injuries in the box score.

Dodge commercials piss me off, which is probably not unrelated to the fact that most of the kinds of people who buy Dodges also piss me off.

Apparently the turnaround time for an NFL game video montage is pretty damned close to zero.

It's disappointing that Eddie Murphy is now basically ripping off Martin Lawrence, partly because Eddie Murphy's been around so much longer, and also because Eddie Murphy, unlike Martin Lawrence, has been funny in the past.

I still think it's weird that, in football, they measure first downs rigorously with the chains when they spot the ball by eye, hand and foot.

In some sports, e.g., basketball, there are more cheerleaders than players.

Maybe the answer isn't farm subsidies; maybe it's to stop giving corporate farms competitive advantage via tax breaks, subsidies and carte blanche to destroy the environment.

It's weird that something (e.g., funk) can be pleasing to one sense (hearing) but not to another (smell). I guess you could also so describe getting a blow job from an ugly girl.

I'm not against hygiene, but it's funny that, for most people, the dirtiness we clean is less from the outside world than our own bodily secretions.

Isn't, e.g., a boycott basically reverse collusion?

Trophy wives are pretty because other guys are impressed by pretty girls. But trophy husbands wouldn't simply be good looking guys; other girls aren't impressed by that. If a (rich) woman wants a husband she can show off, really, she wants a really rich dude. So who's whose trophy now?

Being a trust fund kid is the opposite of having middle class guilt. Guilt is not monotonic in parental income.

If you have a falling out with a good friend, probably easier than making amends is finding on Craigslist a similar person to play a similar role in your life. Especially if someone else who had a falling out with a similar friend recently did this.

"Note to self: listen to voice memos."

Some people shower before bed, but showering tends to wake me up.

The people that need help are often the ones that don't want it, which is why someone should help these people want help.

You shouldn't have to pay to park your car, especially in a city like Los Angeles. If you're paying to park your car, it should be because you got a ticket. It probably costs less to park in a handicap spot than to get your car valeted in some parts of this city.

This is another of those problems caused by there being too many people; there are bound to be enough people willing to support this practice. If there were fewer of us, it would be easier for us to collude and refuse to pay for things like this on principle.

Another problem with Los Angeles is that it keeps growing outward as people move to suburbs to have their own space. But jobs stay downtown, so the congestion only grows. Fuck that. I'd rather have a non-two-hour commute than a picket fence. Kids ostensibly need space, but I'm not going to love my kids enough to make these kinds of sacrifices.

At Pink's, there is a picture of Pink.

Atmosphere is the rapper for people who would like Eminem but don't think he looks enough like John Mayer.

I once lived above a women's clothing store which had Daughters as part of its short in-store music loop. It's sort of like Chinese water torture: you can conjecture about what it, but you really have to experience it to appreciate it fully.

As an Oriental, I'm offended by Jared Leto's music video. I want to make a music video of a bunch of Chinamen kicking his ass.

On one hand, there's no a priori reason an actor like Jared Leto can't be a musician too, like all of the singer cum actresses. But the key difference is that Jared Leto doesn't show us his cooter.

Feminist groups frown upon depictions of violence against women in the media unless that woman is Hilary Swank.

I hope someone beats up Hilary Swank in her new movie and/or real life.

People are over 60% water, so the FAA threshold for having to put something in a Ziploc bag is between sixty and one-hundred percent liquid.

They let you bring electronic devices on a plane, but can't you make batteries 'splode?

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and AIDS.

Sometimes I think Carson Daly might be smarter than people generally think, but most of the time I do not.

A good name for a law firm would be "Jew, Jew & Jew."

I disagree with Billy Joel and Tina Turner's assertion that, in order to cure the problems in Africa, love is all we need. Food and AZT would probably be useful too.

I've seen a lot of ads for something called Ghost Rider which are basically just the words "ghost" and "rider." This advertising strategy suggests that people are willing to shell out money for something just because they've heard of it, even if they haven't any idea what the hell it is.

"Lumber" is a collective noun; there's a quantity threshold below which the term is inapplicable. For example, it seems weird to refer to two 2"x4"s as "lumber."

It's disingenuous when a freeway lists, as a control city, a city to which it does not actually go, but rather a city to which the freeway to which it goes goes. For example, "I-405 Sacramento" doesn't actually go to Sacramento. That that section of I-405N should be called "I-405 I-5" or "I-405 I-5 Sacramento."

Driving in San Francisco is relatively easy for its size, and I think this is not unrelated to the fact that our crazy people are homeless. We don't let them drive.

Disney shouldn't have made sequels to Cinderella; that kind of defeats the point.

I'm glad front-load washing machines are becoming popular; I've been waiting my whole life to see the dryer on the bottom.

If you have two (or, depending on the location, three) people in your car, you can drive in the carpool lane. There should be an additional stipulation that if you have, say, five people in your car, you can merge in and out of the carpool lane wherever you want with impunity.

The Chevrolet HHR looks like the unaborted child of a Chrysler PT Cruiser and a Nissan Xterra.

Yellow sports cars are gaudy. Yellow is a color for people, not automobiles.

I'm the worst possible weight for telling fat jokes: I'm thin enough that fat people think I'm an asshole, but fat enough that thin people think I'm a hypocrite.

Is there something wrong with Renée Zellweger's face?

I wonder what they use to coagulate blood (for culinary purposes). I bet it's another animal product.

You know why there are so many Hispanics? Catholicism.

It's amazing the power of association. It's arbitrary that a sandwich full of uni seems so a priori strange.

Soda is brilliant: not only is it addictive on its own, it enables you to eat more, which, in turn, makes you need more of it to wash down that extra food.

There are fag hags; but what about hag fags: gay dudes who are fans of those women that gay people inexplicably like, e.g., Madonna, Kathy Griffin, &c.?

Apparently, in a race, you don't have to complete an additional lap for each lap you go backwards. You still only have to do N of them. I find that troubling.

I also wonder what happens if, in an NBA game, you throw the basketball through the underside of the hoop.

To what extent are spyware, &c. proliferated by hardware manufacturers?

Why don't the Yankees just pay guys who are good but for whom they don't have room on their roster, not to play baseball?

Would it be worse to pay for Kathy Griffin tickets, or to be paid to see her? If you pay for tickets, it's a huge waste of money, but if you're paid to see her, that's like your job.

If you're a sports journalist, calling Daisuke Matsuzaka "Dice-K" should carry a harsher punishment than not revealing confidential sources of leaked grand jury testimony.

"Dice-K" is so stupid that first-letter-of-first-name/first-syllable-of-last-name for him doesn't seem so bad. Of course, that would actually be "D-Ma"-- not "D-Mat," as sports journalists are calling him. "D-Ma" is also a nickname for Ted Kennedy.

Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams think they're heroes or something; they don't realize that we kind of already knew about steroids-- all they've done is destroyed an American polite fiction. Perhaps their next book will be about how the Civil War was not really about slavery.

I try not to be wasteful in my kitchen, so it pisses me off whenever something sticks to a pan, because then I have to deglaze it.

I own you so hard that I own you with a capital 'p'.

African-American studies departments are pretty racist. "Well, we have to hire some black faculty, but we don't want them to teach anything important. I know, let's set it up so that they teach the black students we had to admit."

[Country] music is supposed to be just three chords and the truth, but there's a lot more of it than there is of truth.

iPods prevent you from being exposed to new music, but keep you from getting learning any old music particularly well.

That would suck if you came up with a short, elegant proof for Fermat's Last Theorem first thing in the morning while you were kind of between asleep and awake, so you couldn't remember anything about it.

Math is often used in computer science, but how about the other way around? Perhaps you could search the phase space of proofs, e.g., to put a lower limit on the length of a proof for Fermat's Last Theorem (which in turn would be used to prove that Fermat was wrong about it).

If you say enough correct things, people overlook the wrong things you say-- specifically in math. That Fermat is celebrated for simply making a lot of (not necessarily true) statements probably reflects the fact that it's hard enough to say something (in math) that's robust and interesting, even without worrying about its truth value.

Stomp the Yard should have been called You Got Serveder.

Guitarists don't seem to appreciate that using a talk box to make "wah"-like noises kind of defeats the point. There's already a pedal that does that.

Perhaps the "us" in "FUBU" is not black people per se, but a set of people that happens to intersect largely with black people, e.g., perhaps the clothes are made for and by people who enjoy eating at Red Lobster.

Ice cream contains tryptophan and sugar; this is exactly the kind of mixing stimulants and depressants that killed Elvis.

They put Red Bull in mixed drinks, but I don't remember ever seeing Gatorade in one.

Tonkatsu is great because it combines two of my favorite ingredients: pork and fried.

Bacon is also great because it too contains pork, and it's so fatty that no matter how you heat it, you're frying it. It's like one of those kits where you buy something and it comes with all the accessories.

Crayons should come in pack of four (assuming that the child will be coloring in ℜ²).

What's the oldest a dude is allowed to be and still carry a non-leather wallet?

Is the Isaac Newton / apple story to say that never once before in his life did he notice that things, when dropped, have a tendency to fall in a particular direction (down)?

When I travel, I try to engage the locals and their traditions. So I end up eating a lot of fast food when I'm in Los Angeles; that's the closest thing to culture there is here.

It's somewhat remarkable how thin Southern Californians are given the shit that they eat.

People who describe themselves as pragmatists tend to be (over)reactionaries.

There should be a program through which African families could adopt white kids. Also, they could adopt Angelina Jolie, but only if they did so in such a way that we don't have to hear from her anymore.

It's probably a poor reflection of humanity that confidence is uncorrelated with ability.

Penn Jillette is kind of the Paul Heyman of professional magic.

People in print advertisements often look like douchebags, but it seems there are enough hot people running around that you could just as easily snag a non-douchebag-looking person off the street. He/she'd probably do it for free too, just because people want to be famous.

Tentaizu is the computer-free version of Minesweeper, which is probably a computerized version of something else.

People should take their own time and attention more seriously. It's a commodity. So if they're going to charge us to use the wireless in the airport, we should charge them for letting them turn on a television set.

Sometimes a college freshman will drink himself to death and people are sad. But I think people should be proud that he had the intestinal fortitude to pound down the eighteenth. That's impressive. I definitely would have passed out by fourteen.

People name holidays, buildings, streets, &c. "Memorial" as if to say that, while it is important that we remember some thing, it is not so important that we remind people what that thing is.

That show Cops probably fooled a lot of policemen into thinking that their jobs would be more exciting than they are.

I have a lucky penny. I carry it to help me get through airport metal detectors.

The demographics of America suggests that ignorance goes as 1/R² which is counterintuitive to me. I would have guessed that literacy (if anything) goes as 1/R² and ignorance is simply the holes in it, but no, there are ignorance monopoles.

They didn't have to include the words "big" or "fat" in the title of the movie Samoan Wedding; that would be redundant.

A dialectic suggests that all thought is reactionary and/or combinatorial; I prefer to believe in inspired genius.

Before saying things, people should not only consider their truth values, but also ask themselves, "Why am I saying this?" Because talking is not taxed, the onus is on us to keep it from overuse.

I waste a lot of my time, but get really indignant when other people try to waste it.

Philosophers, &c. try to make universal statements about human nature, but everybody knows that there are different kinds of people. Some definitely suck more than others.

Capri pants were one of the fashion trends that pissed me off most; they seem less like a fashion thing than a class thing-- well, more so than other fashion trends.

Here's another argument for affirmative action: a workplace skewed too heavily toward one minority makes people hate that minority because that minority will remind them of work.

Google has an image search and a blog search; now I'd like a blog image search.

That band Smash Mouth should change its name to "Fat Guy with Charisma."

Would I be correct in assuming that the guy in Sugar Ray who is significantly uglier than the other guys is the primary songwriter?

You eventually get to a point where, in the kitchen, you're less worried about cutting people and more about the sharpness of your knives.

Professional wrestlers seem slightly less gay when they're Canadian.

Howard University should have a White People Studies department.

Is their African-American Studies department called, simply, "Studies"?

A fun game is guessing what kind of car someone drives based on his/her personality. I always guess "Honda Accord" because it's statistically the best guess.

I want to undersell Goldschläger with something called Leadschläger which, though heavier and poisonous, is way cheaper. Also, with the appropriate recipe, it could be turned into Goldschläger.

For the super rich, there's Californiumschläger, although if you store it too long, it becomes Somethingelseschläger. It's the opposite of fine wine that way.

All schnapps tend toward Ironschläger.

It's harder to get a speeding ticket on a city grid. If you do, you're probably getting cited for other violations as well.

It's easier for there to be a "car culture" in a clime where people do not worry about the bottoms of their cars rusting through.

The guy at Chuck E. Cheese's thought it was weird that I put so much thought into which prize to get with my tickets given that I'm an adult. But the way I see it, since it will be a while before I find myself there again, I should really make it count.

Movies and television are music-coded; you can tell that something is exciting by the fact that you hear techno music. That was the problem with Titanic: no techno.

I deftly avoided watching that movie by being single when it came out.

Joe Buck is the Bob Costas of Fox.

If you're thirsty, you can go to a water fountain. Now we should work on a spigot that dispenses some kind of food. My vote is jalapeño poppers.

The Katamari series is the opposite of other video games that involve steering; in other such games, you try to avoid running into things.

PlayStation (≥)2 can play DVDs, but if you put in a movie, you ought to be able to play it like a video game.

Stores and restaurants shouldn't be allowed to restrict the use of their restrooms to customers. Operating a public restroom should be part of the cost of getting to do business. Because I had to pee pretty bad.

The Bluetooth headset solves the problem of incessant cellular phone users' not looking enough like douchebags.

Web searches, e.g., on YouTube, would be better if you weren't allowed to tag your own submissions.

People don't seem to realize how unnecessary it is to parody something that is itself already a parody.

Chris Webber and Latrell Sprewell should start a renegade NBA team.

If a woman asks you if an article of clothing makes her look fat, it turns out that "No, you're just big boned," is not a good answer.

People who are overweight have shorter lifespans due to diabetes, heart disease, &c. I wonder if, when they compute these things, they take into account incidental deaths caused by being fat, e.g., being hit by a car because you're too fat to get out of the way, or people chasing rolling donuts off of cliffs.

You can actually tell how bad a show is by whether or not Wilmer Valderrama is in it.

On one hand, Wilmer Valderrama could be celebrated as the triumph of the everyman; despite an abject lack of discernable talent, he's quite successful and dates women like Lindsay Lohan-- I'm not talented either, maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan. Except that he seems oblivious to the fact that his fame is due entirely to luck and possibly affirmative action.

Many celebrities embody social archetypes, but not all archetypes are represented by celebrities. That's why we need some celebrity homeless people.

Women, on average, are paid less to do the same jobs as men. Maybe that's because they can't work as many hours because it takes them so long to get ready for work, do the dishes, cook dinner, knit me a sweater, breastfeed, menstruate, &c.

Feminists should reclaim that word and call it "womenstruation."

Isn't Children of Men the sequel to Junior?

Alfonso Cuarón: Pedro Almodóvar:: Salma Hayek: Penélope Cruz.

I'm convinced that any attractive female celebrity who's billed as being Latin-American is actually Lebanese.

The Lebanese flag could just as easily be that of Stanford University.

Michael Richards should adapt Chris Rock's signature stand-up bit and call it White People vs. Niggers.

Ordering wine in a restaurant is a huge rip-off-- so much so that it subsidizes the rest of their operations.

Jason Kidd totally smacked his bitch up, which apparently means "doing anything intensely."

The irony is that Alanis Morrissette's Hand in My Pocket, not Ironic, was an arguably reasonable depiction of irony.

Before he putts, Tiger Woods gets his on on.

It's ridiculous that Tiger Woods was criticized for his use of the word "spaz." How can you criticize someone for using a term that's not offensive in his own language? That's so mentally challenged.

The thought process that leads to ordering from Sky Mall has to include "You know, my home is not nearly enough like a hotel room."

Sometimes you see a balding guy with a ponytail, but it'd be more fun if he got a mohawk.

Indian people love ABBA.

"Dog years" and "cat years" normalize each animal's age to its lifespan and express it in a way easily comparable to that of humans. In football broadcasts, they should do the same for offensive linemen.

Jane Austen got lazy when writing Persuasion. I expect her books to be about two things.

Perhaps she should have kept Emma and Persuasion concatenated rather than trying to squeeze two books out of it.

I was going to get an iPod so I could have music on the go; I got a ukulele instead.

Have you ever have heard Nelly Furtado talk? The strident nasality of her singing voice is apparently an affectation, which makes it way worse.

Covers of songs and remakes of movies are unnecessary; we have CDs and DVDs.

This whole Melanie Brown baby thing proves my long-held theory that Eddie Murphy is America's answer to David Beckham.

She's called Scary Spice because she's scary, mostly at night in a dark alley if you're carrying a lot of valuables.

Spice Girls' third album should have been called Spiceworldworld.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna syzygy-ah.

In the same way that there's gender cf. sex, there should be a counterpart for race that describes a person's cultural identification cf. ethnic background. For example an Asian guy who wears Abercrombie & Fitch is white, though not Caucasian. Other examples include AZNs cf. Asians, niggers cf. black people, &c.

I know two guys who are both the whitest guy ever, but in totally different ways. One guy goes to rodeos; the other guy went to Dartmouth and worked on a presidential campaign.

La La Vásquez looks sort of like a combination of Tyra Banks and Humpty Hump.

It hurts less if you don't think about it.

You ever play that game Yoshi's Cookie? Man, that's the dumbest shit ever.

The weird thing about Yoshi's Island was that it was the sequel to Super Mario World but the graphics were way worse.

Many cognitive neuroscience experiments are performed on newborns; it's great that someone has found a use for them.

It's weird that men who grow up without positive male role models end up being murderers, where as women who grow up without positive male role models end up having lots of slutty sex. That's so hot.

When I am writing markup and something requires two tags, I find myself thinking too much about which tag to nest in the other.

It's unclear how paying a player in decline a quarter of a billion dollars is going to elevate the sport of soccer in the United States. Perhaps people will like it more because it's a more tremendous waste of resources?

There's something beautiful about an impression of someone that's only one word long.

I don't know if men or women are better judges of who a chick friend is dating (and vice versa). When men judge him, there's a certain amount of jealousy, but when women judge him, there's an element of "Do I find him attractive?" and/or cattiness. So really, you need a lesbian's opinion. Actually, that doesn't help either.

Every now and then, in case you've slowly grown the courage to have faith in humanity, there is a news story to remind you that people are batshit insane.

Maybe Barry Bonds took uppers because he was sad about the steroid allegations.

Get it? They're homonyms!

It's funny that parents ever accuse their children of being irrational. Irrationality is the essence of parenthood.

Either they should completely change the selection method for the baseball Hall of Fame or remove "ethical conduct and moral character" from the stated criteria. Because baseball journalists are paid for their (though often questionable) expertise in baseball, not their expertise in ethics. And do they realize how stupid it is to leave issues of morality up to election?

I don't think caffeine affects my body that much, but I have trouble sleeping with or without it, so it's more of a superstition.

It's so disingenuous that caffeine is also called "guaranine," "mateine," &c. I could maybe understand this sort of renaming were caffeine's original name, say, "rape."

I bet you could make a bunch of money putting fake parking tickets on cars that are parked illegally.

It's not surprising to me that a guy named Randy Johnson who is also called "The Big Unit" is apparently kind of a dick.

I do things like set my clocks forward so I'll be on time, but the trouble is that I'm too smart to outsmart myself. Or maybe I'm not smart enough.

In trying to emulate Kris Kross, I discovered that my pants are not front-back symmetric. If your pants fit you, it is very difficult to put them on backwards.

Chopping onions makes people cry and movies make people cry but movies about chopping onions, not so much.

Marketers have gone too far with creative capitalization; e.g., camel case should be restricted to programming. In every other realm it is okay to use the space bar.

What I don't get about Super Mario Bros is how are there eight kings but only one princess?

One of the reasons Asian people look alike is that they're all basically Chinese. Also, they are all descendents of Genghis Khan.

Serge Gainsbourg is like a French Tom Jones, i.e., even more of a lech.

Some people are shy because they're awkward; others are awkward but outgoing anyway, which is worse, because that awkwardness becomes far too painfully obvious.

Does Parkinson's make you good in the sack? Or perhaps you could start a career as a masseur-- but your income may be limited to quarters in seedy motel rooms.

Having kids is just an excuse to start watching cartoons again.

If you kicked Ed Witten in the balls, would he talk like Barry White?

The trick to Nintendo Wii is not to do the full motion; you just need to snap your wrist. A badminton game would have been more apropos than tennis.

Soon QBs and MLBs will wear iPhones and iPhone-like devices on their wrists to assist with play calling.

I want to win a Heisman Trophy, so my last name rhymes with "Heisman" even though it's only four letters, I don't play football and I'm not in college.

"Shiatsu" is Japanese for "Swedish."

They have this exercise machine which simulates riding a horse; it's essentially a really crappy mechanical bull.

I want a Tumi bindle.

Sinbad has the distinction of having hosted the only late-night talk show that was worse than The Magic Hour.

Pepé Le Pew smells bad not because he's a skunk, but because he's French. That's also why he's a borderline sex criminal.

I've noticed that a number of raver chicks have big asses, and I think it might be related to the pants.

You attract more flies with extortion than with begging.

She's the ho with the mo'.

I want to be a playback talker, providing overdubbed voices (underdubbed, actually) for Bollywood actors, except when they sing.

There is a homeless guy who always calls me Charlie because, you know, Asian. I'm not offended, but I kind of want to ambush him from a tree.

I want to be an expert witness, but I'm not good at anything. But I am Asian. So perhaps I could be a mathematics expert; the prosecuter could defer to me on relevant questions of arithmatic. "So in your expert opinion, if there was $3,500 owed, but only $1,200 paid, what is the remaining debt?" After answering, I would look at the judge and humbly say, "Your honor."

I believe the Shakers died out because of a meteor.

They should make a massage chair with happy ending-- or at least one for which you don't have to turn over. I guess it's not that big a deal due to Scotchgard.

People who are yellow but act white are called bananas or Twinkies, but I can't think of anything that's yellow on the outside and black on the inside.

Would you describe Pierre Fitch as a semenal artist?

Instead of walnuts or M&M's, I like candy corn in my brownies.

The new spam thing is a message masquerading as a forwarded news article. But I stopped reading forwarded news articles as soon as my dad figured out that you can forward news articles to people.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it erodes your market share.

There's a Chrysler out that tries to be a Bentley, which is probably not as bad as the Kia that tries to be a Mercedes.

I don't have an electric car, so I conserve gas by braking as little as possible. I'm going to move to the top of a hill and only visit places at the tops of other hills.

Using performance enhancing drugs shouldn't disqualify one from the Hall of Fame. There are rules and there are punishments for when you are caught breaking them; if, even with the punishment, you still gain a competitive advantage by breaking the rules, it's stupid not to. It's like intentionally fouling someone at the end of a basketball game. If there are offenses serious enough to warrant expulsion from the game, like gambling, they tell you that going in.

The one thing that I've learned from the Barry Bonds saga is never to trust any sort of confidentiality agreement.

It's a shame that John Kerry, during the last campaign, was criticized for using the construction, "Would that I..." How is it a bad thing to know what words mean? Since then, I'm trying to use that more often in protest of the anti-intellectualism of the mainstream media.

Modesty is ostensibly an American value, but it's less for your sake than for the sake of people who suck more than you.

An effective form of contraception is having sex with girls who are pro-choice.

Adobe puts their developers' names on their splash screens so I feel slightly more guilty about pirating their software.

You know the Double Bubbler they put in drinking fountains? Sometimes I have that when I pee.

If my nose is running this much, I have to be losing weight, right?

Hair dye packaging manufacturers used to have to find pretty girls with every possible hair color to be used as human swatches. Now they probably just use Photoshop.

If they sold over-the-counter skin dye, that aisle would be funny.

Societal stupidity is a vicious cycle; because some people are stupid they have to put disclaimers and warnings on everything, which makes everyone else assume that everything is perfectly safe unless it's covered with disclaimers and warnings.

It's somewhat odd that Sports Illustrated's article about Jason and Joumana Kidd's divorce and allegations of abuse uses the file photograph of them scantily clad from the Swimsuit Issue. But the fact of the matter is that she's got a bangin' body.

I like statements that are humorous both to the people that interpret them ironically and those who do not, because we all get to laugh at each other.

I saw a pictoral of Dominique Swain that says, "Lolita grows up and goes wild!" But Lolita was already pretty grown up. That was one of the major criticisms of that movie.

Dominique Swain looks kind of evil, but not really in a hot way. I suppose that's mischievous grown up.

You can't be against fur and not a vegetarian without assuming that a pretty specific value calculus is universal.

There should be a law that prohibits tailgating, specifically one that requires you to be a certain distance behind the car in front of you where that distance increases with the size of your car, especially at night.

Merging into the lane into which the guy in front of you is trying to merge (as indicated by those flashy yellow things on the back of his car) is not cool.

Some Indian people look like black people which is not fair because they get to be good at basketball and math.

Couples generally do not share an e-mail address unless they are over eighty (combined) or planning a wedding.

I like Jenn Sterger's Sports Illustrated column because the premise is that it's an advice column written by someone who has absolutely no expertise in anything.

The unfortunate correlation is that people who are good parents tend to have fewer children. This having lots of children thing, I don't get-- it reeks of colonialism and/or something even more primordial. We should be past that point as a society. It's not like we're building pyramids. And when we do, the labor is union.

If Milli Vanilli was such a big deal, so should be ghostwriting in any capacity.

Libertines espouse philosophies that justify having lots and lots of sex, but I don't buy it. I'm not religious or a prude, but to argue for something because it's a natural inclination is like saying fat people awesome because they do nothing but eat all the time. It also seems like if you have super huge amounts of sex, there's a point at which it's no longer fun.

Journalists will report when someone takes a stance that is clearly a logical extension of their biases. Of cousre Ivanka Trump and Rich Maris are going to side with their fathers; you shouldn't get paid to file that story.

Come to think of it, maybe a long-distance relationship is ideal, because you get to have a girlfriend without having to have a girlfriend.

I hate it when I get all excited because someone looks uncannily like someone else, but I can't point it out to people because they don't know who one or both persons are.

Can you spay a cat by simply sewing the vagina shut? Just leave a little hole-- smaller than the girth of a cat penis-- so fluids can come out.

Being a bottom is weird. I understand that some dudes like it in the butt, but how or why would that preclude one from wanting to stick one's cock in things?

It must have been horrible to be a bottom who is also a straight dude before the advent of dildos.

Street signs in ghetto parts of towns should be done in a graffiti font.

If your daughter works in publishing, would you be more embarrassed if she worked in porn (in a non-performing capacity) or with Dan Brown?

It's a pain to put apostrophes in text messages, so I often omit them in contractions, but if it's a question of plural versus possessive, I go through the process because then it's a question of literacy.

My girlfriend's breasts are better than any other breasts I've ever seen-- including in strip clubs and pornography-- which is great but, I fear, might cause me problems later.

How about if you're wearing a track jacket but not you're not jogging, I get to punch you in the face? Perhaps the threat of violence will make you run, thereby using the jacket for its intended purpose.

I don't know downtown Palo Alto that well, because I don't go to Paly.

It's surprisingly difficult to park here considering how many parking lots there are.

If you close your eyes, Tony Gwynn sounds like a white guy.

Had Ripken and/or Gwynn been elected to the Hall-of-Fame unanimously, it would have been less a statement about either of them than about the stabilization of Hall-of-Fame voting criteria.

I want a gun that shoots guns. I could pistol-whip someone from far away. I should be safe as long as nobody has a gun that shoots (reusable) ammo.

When I walk into a public one-person restroom and there's already a dude in there, I don't feel as bad if the lock works.

If a girl cheats on you, there is, as it turns out, a way to end the sentence "At least it was with..." that makes sense: "this other girl that you find very hot."

Foods that make you live longer, e.g., oat bran, taste like shit because we're evolutionarily designed to enjoy stuff that will kill us right after we're done raising children.

Hispanic people are "brown," but they're actually half white and half red, so shouldn't they be "pink"? I guess that designation is already taken.

Pink is the official monochromatic emblem of gay people, but it applies at most to only half of them.

There's something beautifully efficient about blowing and/or picking your nose while taking a crap (at work).

If you wear a Seiko Kinetic wristwatch and you're Italian and you start talking, it will probably explode.

It's unclear why pretty much all computer keyboards and mice are made in a color that maximizes the visual impact of grime.

But you can learn things. For example, my use of the numeric keypad is non-normal. It turns out I use my '4' key far more often than my '1' key. If anything, I would have guessed the opposite.

I wonder to what extent my computer habits could be inferred from the varying amounts of gunk on the different keys. At the very least, it could probably be guessed that I do most of my typing in English.

The Japanese SUV defeats the point; SUVs aren't supposed to be reasonable.

My car reminds that it needs to be serviced, but if I wanted that kind of nagging, I would have gotten a wife instead.

Just because two words form a reasonable sounding portmanteau, that doesn't mean it's a useful concept.

Shaq, Madonna & al. should start a punk band called "No Use for a Surname."

I find that many people have communication problems, namely they communicate the wrong things. Instead of saying stuff that's useful or informative, they don't.

Juvenile puns are more palatable when they're printed on Garbage Pail Kids.

Even if .wma does, as purported, deliver the same quality audio with half the bitrate, it's worth eschewing just because it's proprietary.

When will men understand-- Jessica Biel is not that attractive. There's something weird about her face. She always sort of looks like she's taking a dump.

Or perhaps more American males aged 18-42 are into kaviar than I'd naïvely assumed.

It's kind of annoying that many iPod enthusiasts interpret your lack of one as an act of defiance. But no, I just don't need one-- as awesome as they are, I don't own a deli slicer either. It's sad that the societal expectation has become that people buy things just because they're available.

People tout the potential medical benefits of stem cell research, but what about the agricultural benefits? For example, I bet they could make a pig that's made entirely out of bacon.

That would be more of a draw for Red Staters.

How about we keep stem cell research legal, and we'll promise not to use any resulting cures on conservatives?

It's surprisingly common that a person regularly reads a columnist he hates.

The over-under is a bet on how enjoyable a game is. You can use it to hedge your investment of time in watching it.

KFC Famous Bowls suggest that someone in corporate is six.

If I sold hot sauce, I'd offer an "extra hot" version, which is the same sauce but the bottle has a wider mouth.

Harboring a deep-seated resentment isn't precluded from "honouring thy father and thy mother"; in fact, it's an integral part.

Female celebrites start clothing lines because women, no matter how famous or successful, must sew.

They sell baseball caps with football teams' logos, but the true fan sports the same headgear as the players.

It's in the news that New York smells funny today, but that's the quiescent state of New York-- how is that news? I guess there's something charming about eighteen million people playing a big game of Where's-That-Smell-Coming-From?

Rock music has no official sanctioning body (cf. a professional sport), but people will buy into something like the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame just because someone called it that and bankrolled it. But really it's legitimate in the same way that the Miss America crown comes with diplomatic privilege. Really, what I'm trying to say is that Gary Cherone got robbed.

Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath, but politicians, who make decisions that have large scale ramifications on the quality of the health care of a far huger number of people, don't have to. Their oath is much more vague.

Does having taken an oath hold up in court as a defense?

The toilet stays up as long as I'm paying 100% (or, really, at least 63%) of the rent.

It's a wonder that any baseball teams trade with Oakland anymore. You know they know something you don't.

Were I a baseball GM, all of my free agent offers would be "We'll pay you whatever Billy Beane offered plus, like, a dollar."

A person in prominence might say things that turn out to be false, yet the media will continue to report what that person says. Either the media is petty and wants to say, "I told you so," or journalism is rather disingenuous.

Americans are pathologically averse to things that should be innocuous, e.g., dust, but this may be because we're doing what we can to the environment to make these things harmful.

It's remarkable that the idea of doing someone in the butt and then having him/her suck your cock can be conveyed in just three characters.

I met a girl who got a Ph.D. from Florida State. Man, she must be really good at football.

The problem with the media, &c. is that we live in a culture of empowerment, so the truth is less profitable than content-free pap that makes people feel good about themselves, both by affirming what they think they already know and by refusing to acknowledge that there are things they don't. Realizing this made me feel good about myself and better than other people.

I wear an orange ribbon to support the subset of the troops who have AIDS, or a green ribbon to support the ones with nut cancer.

What color ribbon do you wear to support AIDS?

A big dick is good unless that bigness is puffy and cauliflower-shaped.

Those with true street cred define all familial relations in terms of "baby," "mama" and "daddy," e.g.: "mama mama" (maternal grandmother), "baby baby" (grandchild), "mama baby" (sibling), "baby mama daddy baby baby" (niece- or nephew-in-law), "daddy mama mama daddy baby baby" (first cousin, twice removed).

The "baby"s are moved to the right via Wick's theorem or something.

Gay guys want the right to marry because apparently they want to be able to stop having all that sex. Also, they want to make lesbian bed death official.

Probably it's good for Congress to be controlled by one party and the White House by the other, so they can't wreak too much havoc. Except for now, when we need a massive overcorrection.

Elected officials are perceived as leaders, but they're not supposed to be leaders so much as delegates. They're there because it's not efficient for everyone to vote on everything, not because we want any sort of guidance. Paradoxically, many of these guys are trying to criminalize the things we use that saved time to do.

Unless it's on a laptop, a keyboard has no business moving any of the original 101 keys. Also, the specialized buttons that, e.g., launch certain appliations, are kind of a distraction (and probably an indicator of how lazy we are)-- how am I supposed to focus on work when the music controls are right underneath my fingertips?

A rapper might say a girl is special because she's his "baby mama," but a girl does not become your baby mama because she's particularly special. It's usually an accident.

Now that CalTech has won a basketball game, I hope one of its players records a rap album, and I don't mean that MC Hawking bullshit.

Orwell argued that war stimulates the economy by creating demand but, ultimately, destroys value. Consumer technology also plays that role in contemporary society. Because this laptop broke.

Tom Brady is so dreamy. His teammates do things like return interceptions for touchdowns just so they can hug him.

The field goal Tony Romo botched may have been the end of Dallas's storybook season, but it could be the beginning of Seattle's storybook playoff run. What's happier than winning games you didn't deserve to?

The size of one's house is to be proportional to the amount of junk one has, which is weird because if I had a bigger place, I be able to afford less to put in it.

People love buying stuff, hate throwing stuff away, hate clutter and love complaining about it.

You know Toni Braxton is sexy because she can pull off a line like "I can imagine you touching my private parts." Even Barry White wouldn't have been able to do that. And if I heard David Bowie try, I'd need a shower, but not in the good way.

I have to wonder if Toni Braxton is the Halle Berry of music.

My friend has a bunch of T-shirts that say "EXECUTE" (It's a long story.) and no use for them, which makes me want to start a band with that name just because the shirts are already printed.

I have a briefcase in case I'm involved with an illicit exchange of money.

Shit, I'm not getting that back, am I?

Maybe police should stake out the briefcase store.

You don't hear much rap about Young tableaux.

There's no case for "palimony." He didn't want to have to deal with that shit; that's precisely why he didn't marry her.

There must be a huge excess of unused crappy computer speakers and microphones in this world which should somehow be used for some super huge art project and/or shipped to Africa for an AIDS-related reason.

One genre of music whose name describes it so well that even if you'd never heard it you'd know exactly what it is is "old-timey."

How about we take away Gwen Stefani's microphone and give her a megaphone instead?

You know how some catchy songs get annoying? She's doing the opposite: catchy via annoying. The weird thing is that it seems to be working so well.

The appeal of her music is like when someone says something like, "Hey, this smells really bad-- here, smell."

The WNBA would be more popular if it was basketball games between NBA teams' cheerleading squads.

Punk is not so much a genre of music as facial expression (sneer). Post-punk is more easily understood in this context as well (smirk).

Given the accoutrements of punk, if you'd never heard it, you might guess it might rock a little bit instead of just being bratty. Or you might not. But you'd probably guess it was a little heavier.

The EEE shoe width could as easily be called 'G'; as for AAA, that was poor planning. I blame the Chinese.

Equality (and "to be") is an equivalence relation; e.g., "Mi casa es su casa," could also mean "I'm stealing your house."

Regina Spektor should change her name to "That Russian Chick That Gay Guys Like."

Gore-Tex and other advanced materials allow thinner clothes to keep people warmer which is unfortunate because looking like the Michelin Man should be the price you pay for engaging in an activity so bourgeoisie as skiing.

Skiing is, along with golf (nowadays), pretty high up there, but at least golf has a tradition of sexism.

Side dishes are smart in theory: they're filler. They make meals adjustable: finish your sandwich and eat fries until you're full. The problem in practice, however, is that humans tend to eat all of whatever is put in front of them. We're not better than dogs, and probably we're less good than cats.

Bacon is really delicious, I've decided (again).

There's a new shopping mall in San Francisco, but there were already perfectly functional malls and mall-like spaces, as well as several neighborhoods that are effectively malls. I appreciate (as does anyone who has ever been exposed to any media of any kind) that people will buy, go to and/or do things just because they're new, but it's depressing that this impetus of boredom is strong enough to change geography.

It is a long-standing American tradition that every socioeconomic class gets its own shopping mall, consumer products, &c. but it seems that these classes are growing narrower. That's the problem with a pyramidal (to exponential) distribution of wealth.

For a culture that touts individualism, an awful lot of each person's identity is defined by consumer products. People are combinatoric.

Probably one of my favorite isms is "racism."

When someone leaves me a voice message of which I can't understand a word, my inclination is to get on a subway train.

Cars should have a second horn with a less abrasive sound for when you want to communicate to other drivers things of a positive nature, e.g., "Thanks for letting me cut in," or "Nice rack."

A "homorast" is someone who has sex with gay dudes but isn't gay, like one of those guys on the DL.

It's more permissible for dudes to be fat because fat dudes are hilarious whereas fat chicks are more sort of bitter and hungry.

There should be a video game called Dave Matthews Hero which is basically Guitar Hero, Karaoke Revolution and Dance Dance Revolution simultaneously.

In Resistance: Fall of Man you can blow up birds; that functionality should be added to baseball games as well.

Are they starting to open chain nightclubs? That's simultaneously brilliant, very sad and inevitable.

The problem with suburban nightlife is that it feels pathetic to put on your nicest clothes, pay a cover and still be in Mountain View. Perhaps I should also buy my girlfriend a corsage.

And I feel it, and she feels it, rest his head on a pillow made of concrete.

Q: How do you make a prostitute relevant?
A: Murder her.

Q: How do you make a stripper relevant?
A: Mike Nifong.

PECOTA projections for minor league pitchers should take into account that so many prospects flame out; e.g., "This guy projects to be 48% of a back-of-the-rotation guy."

Certain things, like going to the store, seem like a lot more effort than they really are when you're doing the laziness calculus. For example, I will often download a song that's on a CD I own just to avoid getting out of my chair.

I doubt I'm the only person that does this; RIAA should take this into account.

The NFL MVP, Offensive Player of the Year and Defensive Player of the Year should be somehow combined into two awards, because shouldn't the MVP in general also win one of the other two? They're sure as shit not going to give it to a punter.

It's unclear how the UCLA men's basketball didn't play its first road game until its fourteenth game of the season. The people that threw the schedule must not have been very attentive.

Marisa Miller might be what you get if you take Jessica Simpson's look and subtract the vapid.

How great would it be if after every failed date, relationship, &c., you got an evaluation form listing your strengths and weaknesses and ideas on how to improve? If you're really good, you also get a letter of recommendation.

Cute girls often talk themselves out of speeding tickets, but I'd be more impressed with a girl who has talked herself out of a DUI.

Web sites have more and more user-submitted content, but most people aren't interesting-- otherwise, television would not need to exist.

I watch stuff on YouTube but I didn't care for America's Funniest Home Videos. The difference is that Americans are more entertaining when they plagiarize.

Part of me wants to create a YouTube account and post, on videos with fat girls, comments like "I bet she's going to order like eight full whole chickens!"

One problem with being technical is that you want to grep everything; that you can't grep stuff on the web frustrates the shit out of you and sometimes you wish, instead of HTTP, everything was AFS or NFS. Also, celibacy.

Young MC is a sort of precursor to Pharrell.

A surprising number of rappers are alumni of Hunter College. And in that context, "a surprising number" is any; magnet school does not equal street cred.

The Tower of Pisa is italicized, as are Asian people.

Pets can be cute, but they're just animals. Adopt some Namibian kids or something.

The difference between pets and children is that if the pet ends up sucking, you can just have it put down. Children require a far more complicated and expensive combination of surgery and hormone therapy.

Politics is high school for adults.

Everyone thinks, e.g., Lindsay Lohan is a trashy talentless diva, but then why is she relevant? Someone has to be watching her movies. Are there really that many people who have a very dim awareness of popular culture and will pay to watch a movie just because they've heard her name in the news? Or have we opened up that big a gap between the literates and the Red States? Or are that many people watching movies ironically?

I get phone calls from people asking me, "Are you near a computer?" Of course I'm near a computer. I live in a one bedroom apartment.

I spend less money when I'm not carrying much cash, not because I fritter away cash when I have it, but because when I don't, I get self-conscious about taking out my wallet at all.

I was reading the profile of a college football player, but it didn't have a head shot because it was a college player, and I was curious what race he was. And then I realized it said, "Born: Oakland, California."

Following baseball is like having two really rich neighbors who are constantly trying to one-up each other.

Porno movies have so many sequels, you'd think they were directed by George Lucas.

Blunt porno titles like Shaving Ryan's Privates and Interracial Pole Smoking Parade are useful too, but I find funnier the ones that at least try to be subtle, like In the Palm of Your Hands and Cockpit.

People make money sending spam; other people make money blocking it. That's fucked up. Spam is not a zero-sum game.

It'd be funny if the Yankees traded Randy Johnson to the Padres for David Wells.

When someone says something is good (or bad) because "it's good for the economy," it usually means, "I don't know, it just is."

Mark McGwire should be elected to the Hall of Fame just to spite Congress.

There should be a children's story in which kids say they hate broccoli but their parents say, "How do you know you hate it?" so, open-minded and earnest, the kids try it and they hate it.

For-profit universities misspell their own names to get past the spam filters, but it still seems like a poor reflection of their ability to educate.

One thing that probably makes Americans fatter than other people is that there's not as much weird organ meat in our diet, and the little there is is mulched into unrecognizable form. If one in seven of your meals is haggis, you probably train yourself to be able to subsist on less food.

Not only do you eat less on haggis day, you eat less on the other days so haggis day takes a little longer to come around.

Traffic cops are out in full force today. That must be one of their New Year's resolutions.

They're pulling over people in luxury cars, SUVs, &c., so I should be cool unless they start singling out people who look like they're trying to fit in.

You can dump almost any kind of file directly to a PostScript printer, but you probably shouldn't.

They're putting pictures of slutty girls in advertisements for harder alcohols, but hopefully Macallan Cask Strength will be safe for a while.

Perhaps if Papa Roach and Xzibit manage to suck out of phase, their collabo will be kind of alright.

It seems like it's harder than it should be for a university to excel at both football and basketball.

There's apparently a special type of scissors for every different kind of body hair. Perhaps some scissors could be pH balanced for women's hair.

Pat O'Brien is my favorite television tabloid reporter who channels Kurt Rambis c. 1985 (insofar as you can channel someone who's still alive).

You have a friend whose dad looks like Kurt Rambis.

Every relatively fit middle-aged white guy with a nonironic moustache looks like either Kurt Rambis or a member of the Houston Astros.

Why do celebrities even bother to get married? They're always complaining about the paparazzi and it's not as though the marriages ever last.

Katie Couric and Soledad O'Brien are isomorphic up to race.

Whether it's a civil war or a revolutionary war depends on who wins.

Part of being fashionable is making fun of other people's dress, which is ultimately self-defeating; if everyone dresses well, it won't be special anymore that you do.

For some reason homosexuality constitutes, by itself, a shtick. Take that away and you have a lot of unemployed gay dudes in Los Angeles.

Actors don't get enough credit. I'm not saying that Keanu Reeves is a good actor, but if you think he's that bad, go watch a high school play or MADtv.

It fucks with me that some people have last names that are plurals of other people's last names. It's kind of petty, and I can never remember which ones have the 's'."

It's not impressive that Starbucks is cutting trans fats when their modus operandi is pumping thousands of daily unnecessary Calories into the American diet.

If a news web site has a story about something cool like a hanging or a plane crash, and there's a video link, that video should be of the cool thing itself and not just people talking about it.

The problem with online dating is that, unless you live in a city, you end up in long distance relationships-- actually, that's probably a good thing.

I blame the rising divorce rate on Women's Lib. It's a lot easier to maintain a relationship when there's an easily-remembered categorical rule for conflict resolution (i.e., man wins).

I give my friends unique titles that describe their relationship to me, so they all seem superlative in some way.

America's economy has to rely on a steady influx of immigrants because it doesn't take that many generations for a family to become impudently indolent.

Sometimes a team's success is credited to its coach, other times to its star player(s). It depends on who's prettier.

Sylvester Stallone looks a little bit like a thuggy beat-up version of a younger Billy Joel.

I can't mourn Gerald Ford properly without taking the day off of work.

When 'w's stand for things, the abbreviation takes longer to say.

I realized that Friends wasn't for me when Ross criticized Rachel for confusing "your" with "you're." You were supposed to empathize with Rachel, but it seemed like a celebration of defiant stupidity to me. Also, I'm not white.

People assume a television show (or movie) is hip if the characters are young(ish) and well dressed, even if the content of the show is formulaic and repetitive.

Little small bottles of booze don't have as much booze in them as they look like they do. That's why they package them that way.

More generally, products come in cylindrical containers so you don't realize you're only getting π/4 as much. That's why I arrange my pantry in a hexagonal lattice.

Christian rock defeats the point. And you guys already have pretty much every other piece of music up to the mid-twentieth century; let the pagans have some fun!

Each season, media organizations select outstanding college (or high school) athletes and dub them "All-Americans." But how about an even more exclusive group of athletes who are even better at sports, the "All-African-Americans"?

Porno movie titles (and premises) are often directly and unabashedly adapted from their successful non-pornographic counterparts. They should do that with erotic novels too, e.g., War, Peace & Felching.

Fyodor Dostoevsky and Marquis de Sade could have done a collabo Sex Crime and Punishment. The punishment would be sexy too.

They should make a pâté out of Spam. They wouldn't have to add much, except maybe some faux French on the label.

More Americans would eat pâté if it were called "Easy Meat" and came in an aerosol can.

Ellen Ripstein looks like a white female Jewish Tracy Marrow, though I doubt many people know who both of those people are.

I set my clocks to the new New York Times crossword puzzle's coming out each evening.

"Dwayne Jarrett," if you don't know who he is, simultaneously sounds like it could be the name of a guy who's either very very white or very very black.

Under "race" on forms, he has to put, "Yes."

If your given name is "Larry," you're probably either a pretty huge dude or somewhat weasely.

It's not long after you've started reading Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time list that you realize that there actually haven't been that many stand-ups so far, have there?

If you're a stand-up comedian and there's a Wikipedia article about you, but not a Wikiquote page, you probably don't have many good jokes. Having a Wikiquote page doesn't necessarily mean you're funny, however.

If you still think Dane Cook is funny, read his Wikiquote page. You either will realize that he's actually not funny at all, or are borderline retarded.

Baseball managers are often criticized for playing veterans who are not very good instead of developing younger players who, while riskier, have higher upsides (or, really, upsides at all). I have the same criticism whenever I see, e.g., Kathy Griffin on television. This is a much bigger problem in Hollywood.

It's unfortunate-- and a poor reflection of American taste-- that Kathy Griffin ended up being the more visible one rather than Vicki Lewis.

Stand-up comedians use phrases like "satire" and "social commentary" to describe what most people call "bitching."

Everything in football is expressed in yards, but the difficulty of ball movement is not linear in distance; seemingly innocuous things like adding or averaging yards don't give results as meaningful as one might expect. And anyway, shouldn't these things be expressed in inches?

I hope "NO MA'AM" T-shirts are the next retro thing to come back.

Jim Ross is the Dan Rather of sports entertainment.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Damn, you're obese.

Some parents mark the wall with a line and the date whenever their kid's height surpasses the previously highest mark. People should do this with the speedometers on new cars too.

Internet predators have been around longer than social networking sites; it's just that before Friendster, &c., they were limited to people who found pimply-faced preteen boys sexually attractive.

I can't think of an a priori reason why using my washing machine as a hamper too would not be a good idea.

Professional writers ought to refrain from doing entire pieces in sarcasm; that's been done (a lot).

Eccentric rich people should start buying naming rights to things (other than college buildings and professorships), e.g., the "Rupert K. Murdoch Tostitos Bowl."

Sometimes it takes a drive-by shooting to remind us that even though white people really like football, a lot of the players are still black.

My New Year's resolution is to stop engaging pointless traditions.

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